At the insistence of Bullmutt, I bring you the story of how I went on a blind date with a guy who has a 14 year old kid AND a girlfriend. Oh and did I mention that he works for Adult World too. Yeah, but unfortunately he can’t offer me any discounts on vibrators. Not that I asked. But he’s the type to offer. Or not offer in this case.
Because I’m a crazy ass party animal, on Friday night I could be found sitting on my bed playing Sudoku. Yep, I’m fast on my way to becoming the next Charlie Sheen.
And as I sat there, scribbling away and being the envy of every sane adult and tween on the planet, I got a phone call.
Fahiema: I met a dude who has an extra ticket to the Kday concert in Paarl, a 45 minute drive from your home. Do you want to go?
And before I even had a chance to ask, “Are you on crack”, she’d handed the phone over to previously mentioned dude.
Dude: Will pick you up at 10:00.
Let’s fast forward to Saturday at 10:30.
Fahiema: Are you at K-day?
Fahiema: Why not?
Me: He didn’t call …
Fahiema: Oh well he was going with his a bunch of friends and his girlfriend.
Me: Oh so it isn’t a blind date. Phew. I was worried there for a second.
And that my friends, was the very beginning of the most perplexing afternoon I have ever experienced. And THAT’S saying a lot. Let’s forward to an hour later, shall we?
Dude: Sorry for being late but I’m glad I pitched up. You’re pretty.
Me, slightly confused: Erm, thanks.
Dude: Anyway, I bought you a Sweetie Pie to say sorry for being late.
Me: Erm, thanks but you didn’t have to.
At this point I’m thinking that maybe I’d heard Fahiema incorrectly, that maybe this WAS a blind date. That maybe I was accepting a lift with a complete stranger to Paarl, 45 minutes from my home and if he tried anything I’d be in serious shit. Maybe he didn’t actually HAVE a girlfriend. Fifteen minutes into the drive and with no possible escape, he’d convinced me that he DID indeed have a girlfriend. (Trust me it didn’t take a lot of convincing from his part.)
Dude: Yeah, so there’s something I want to tell you. I didn’t want to tell your friends because this is something I need to tell you personally. I have a girlfriend.
And would you like to know how I responded? I blinked and said, “okay.” Like it is no big deal. Like I’m accustomed to slimeballs chatting me up, while their girlfriends sit patiently at home. In hindsight this was probably a bad idea. I probably should have asked, “And how does your girlfriend feel about you cheating on her?” But at this point I’m still pretty confused to what exactly the situation is. And because I’m no Columbo, the universe gives me yet another clue.
Dude: Blah, blah, blah, asked my daughter if she wanted to come along as well.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Dude: Why? Are the warning bells sounding? Are you thinking guy with emotional baggage, stay away?
Outward reaction – smile politely and say, “Noooo. Not me!” Internal reaction, “Dude, are you high? I ain’t ever planning on seeing you again.”
And if this isn’t enough, I actually met his female friends who had the following choice words to say about him.
Girl 1: Sid, tell me, how does someone come to a concert with a guy they’ve never met before?
Me: I know. I’m asking myself the exact thing.
And before I even have the answer to explain the unfolding of events, Girl 1, “Coz Anton (his real name) is a …”
Girl 2: Molester.
Girl 1: Yeah, we didn’t want to say anything in front of him, because he’s our friend. But he is a pervert.
TO BE CONTINUED. (Yes, there’s more.)