bitching

Accidental babies*

Posted in bitch, bitching on September 1st, 2010 by admin – 5 Comments

Have you ever stood in a queue, say in a bank or post office or grocery store (for those of you who have those new fangled gadgets called internet banking and email), and realised that something smells a bit off? If you were to put a name to it you’d say onion emanating from someone’s armpits. And the smell is so strong that you can’t help wondering if it’s you. But no, YOU washed this morning. You’re sure of it. Your hair is still wet and giving off that Body on Tap apple scent. You’re also sure you applied underarm.

So you resist the eager to lift up your arm and sniff yourself. You move forward a few inches but the rank bitch behind you won’t give you air to breathe, and shuffles right along with you. By the time you’ve finally reached the front of the tiller (whose gender you can’t identify); you’re in an exceptionally foul mood. So much so that when he/she asks if the reference on your deposit slip says “shack cage diving”; you nearly snap and say, “Shark cage diving! Coz shack cage diving makes soooo much sense.” But you manage to rein in your inner bitch in, smile politely and have a fairly decent conversation about your impending adventure.

Of cause none of this would have happened if you’d finally decided to join the 21st Century and sign up for internet banking.

* After reading this blog post, you’ll have come to the realisation that this post has absolutely nothing to do with accidental babies. Accidental babies was the name of the song I was listening to at the time of posting.

*

Found this in my greader and simply HAD to share this!

Someone needs her own blog

Posted in Dizzy*, adventure, awkward conversation, bitching, dipshittery on July 19th, 2010 by admin – 6 Comments

The following story told by Dizzy*

Where you at??? I just have to share this with you. It’s too funny, and gross, not to.

So I haven’t had coffee in a while, right? I mean a really good, not-self-labour cappuccino (and with all the references to the good Italian cappuccinos in Eat, Love Pray, I’ve been a-craving) so I head on over to our local eatery in the business park here, meet up with Adrian for a lovely cuppa and catchup. And the coffee is soo good. Totally worth it and I get to the bottom of the cup and notice this odd cube-like thing the size of a 10 cent sweet at the bottom of my cup. I stop smaking my lips and start poking the bugger. And it has this firm, spongy consistency and Adrian takes is out of the cup and starts poking it, both of us trying to figure out what the hell it is while I try not to gag.

So then he cuts it in two and it has this weird off white, almost beige, stringy centre.

So I head on over to the counter and tell the two ladies, “Excuse me, but I found this, this THING in my coffee cup”. And they start poking it as well and then the one picks it up with her fingers, squashes it and says, “Oh, it’s a piece of chicken!”

And I’m like, “Ewww what?”

And cover my mouth as I feel myself grilling*!

And she responds saying, “What? Don’t you eat meat??”

WTF??! Clearly missing the point entirely!!

* Editor – Yeah, I’m not entirely sure what “grilling” means either.

Some people have real problems

Posted in bitching on July 5th, 2009 by admin – 16 Comments
What do I do with all these feelings tearing me up inside?
What do I do with all these wasted hours dreaming of you at night?
I’ d like to call you sometime…
What would you do if you knew the truth?
I’d like – Freshly ground
Yesterday I found myself keeping a watchful eye on 7 of my cousins, all under the age of 13. I did such a good job of keeping an eye on them that I was fortunate enough to observe my 3 year old cousin’s head ricochet backwards as the 11 year old accidentally kicked a soccer ball at him. Needless to say that game was brought to an end. And for the third time that day that I had to hold a crying kid in my arms.

Anyway my grandmother is currently with us. Now I’m well aware of the fact that some of you were lucky enough to grow up in homes so happy and healthy, the likes of which I have only seen on the Brady Bunch. While your grandmamas were baking cakes and cookies for your enjoyment, mine was and still is, dishing out criticism like chocolate covered candies.

And I’m not talking the “Why don’t you have a boyfriend, are you a lesbian?” kind of criticism. I’m talking a 30 minute diatribe on how kak my hair looks, that can only be delivered at 6 in the morning because lord alone knows that the undead have nothing better to do than wreck havoc on the lives of the unsuspecting.*

Me, angry? Oh you have no fucking idea. There is a part of me that would like to say that at least she didn’t start on my shoes or choice of clothing, but I know that there is always tonight. The very thought makes me want to scurry for an arsenal of illicit opiates in an effort to drown out her constant whining. Alas, I’m a fucking girl scout which means that the only opiate I’ll inevitably be drowning my sorrows in is the sweet goodness that is chocolate. Oh how my hips will rejoice.

* Wow, I just called my grandmama the undead.

Who hates a puppy

Posted in bitching, hopefully funny on February 3rd, 2009 by admin – 5 Comments
According to Sarika we should know by now that life never imitates art and should come with a warning label – Not for mass consumption. I thought she was wrong when I was fortunate enough to witness the worlds greatest Lothario fall in love. Cue violin music since this is the stuff that Hollywood romantic comedies are based on. That’s until you take a closer look at the protagonist.
She was no Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty or any Sandra Bullock character you can think of. Or at least she wasn’t in front of Lothario’s friends. She was the type of person who would sanction the petting of puppies. Violating this law would result in preclusion from Disney World aka her vagina, because let’s face it, is there any other greater ride?
Me being the eternal optimist decided that we were her kryptonite. That in front of us she simply appeared as a succubus but in private she treated him like the demi-god, Heracles. Although if you know anything at all about Greek mythology you’ll know that Heracle’s wife Deianira eventually poisoned him with tainted shirt of a centaurs semen and blood. This concoction separated his skin from his bones and he voluntarily decided to incinerate himself on a pyre in order to put an end to his pain. “Now that’s the kind of art that I’d like life to imitate”, says Sarika.

That last interview question gets ignored

Posted in Picture, bitching on February 2nd, 2009 by admin – 6 Comments
Okay so the last interview question asked me to relate either an embarrassing or funny story about myself. My entire blog has been devoted to moments of dipshittery (remember the time I accidentally rode into a wall in the mall or the time I witness the caterer scratch her naked boob?) so I figured I could just ignore this question and move along.

*


I work for a large government organisation that has been mandated to conserve South Africa’s biodiversity. My role within this organisation is partly to ensure that spatial data is prepared for dissemination. One of my core functions as a GIS specialist is to assist with “emergency” GIS queries. Now I’m not sure if it’s because I’m passionate about GIS or maybe I’m just a bitch but occasionally I get the most dumbass question ever and it takes every bit of self restraint for to stop from shouting out loud, “Oh for the love of God would someone pull the plug on her already? She’s obviously brain dead.”

Here an example of a (in my opinion) two stoopid questions.

1) What is the difference between scanning an image and digistising one?

Well, I’m no GIS specialist, oh wait that’s right I am. Hmmm well if I were to take a stab in the dark here I’d say that the difference would be the output. When you scan in an image all you will get is an electronic image e.g. jpeg that can NOT be manipulated. An image is only used to give you context about a certain area.

Digitisation requires the use of GIS software that allows you to trace all the lines and points of your input image. The end result is a (hopefully) useable shapefile that can be manipulated and overlaid with other shapefiles.

2) I have coordinates of coral localities but every time I input them into ArcView the points occur on the land. Could you perhaps do the work for me?

Okay so this one is a common error and it really shouldn’t upset me that this person is having problems. The thing is that not only is the individual a PhD student but I’ve already explained that the person is confusing latitude and longitude. The individual who shall remain nameless is also forgetting to insert the negative signs to indicate that they’re working in the Southern Hemisphere. I mean seriously how many times do I have to spell out these concepts?

Note: You can NOT under any circumstances use the above image for personal gain. You will burn in hell for that …

I’m not in a good space at the moment

Posted in Depressed, bitching on December 5th, 2007 by admin – Be the first to comment
It’s my birthday in a few days time and I initially wanted to celebrate by going clubbing. I no longer want to do this. All I want to do at the moment is lay under the covers and cry.

For those of you who want to know why I’m in such a downright terrible mood let me spell it out for you. It’s my braces. I went to the dentist this morning. She fixed all the wires and brackets that were broken the last time. An hour after fixing them they broke again. They broke after I ate an orange. An orange! I was undone by an orange.

If my braces keep breaking then they’ll never come off. I will never have a beautiful smile. I’ll always be this chubby girl with this gap in her teeth. I’m 25! I’m supposed to be sophisticated, elegant, and beautiful. I’m not supposed to be awkward – been there, done that and really need to move on.