Verbal Diarrhoea

Once long, long time ago there lived a beautiful princess whose wisdom belied her true age. For years the princess dreamed of visiting far and distant lands, where the men slayed dragons and the women had unquenchable thirst for knowledge. One day after much deliberation the princess decided to visit the Kingdom of Fashion and Pizza. Naturally the princess couldn’t leave without a farewell party attended by her nearest and dearest.

On the night of her farewell her friends gathered at the magnificent restaurant, Jimmy Killer Prawns, to eat and make merry. During the course of the meal, her fair maiden, Sarika decided to powder her nose and on her return informed the princess of the peculiar lavatory. It seems that it offered patrons the unique service of relieving their constipation. At the push of a button wash would flow through an individual’s blowhole, softening their stool. Thereafter the individual would have absolutely no trouble taking a shit. Naturally this information caused much amusement.

After finishing up the glorious meal, dancing had to be had. So off to the ball the princess went; her sister and two other fair maidens (Zin & Cazz) in tow. Due to the princess stunning countenance many men tried to woo her. Unfortunately the princess was not impressed by them continually grabbing her arm on the dance floor. It’s as if they failed to notice that she was a delicate fucking flower.

And as the clock struck 3 the music came to a halt and the women, feet aching, hobbled off to find the carriage they had arrived in. They women had had such an amazing time dancing to the timeless classics of Ready D that they failed to notice that they had driven right pass the machine one inserts your parking tickets to confirm payment. The giggling immediately stopped the minute they stopped in front of the boom, which refused them entry into the free world. They blinked and looked at each other in confusion.

Zin: “What happened to the ticket machine?”

Silence. Confusion. Much blinking of eyes. An entire minute passed before someone realised that we had driven right pass it. Cars were now forming a long row behind their carriage. The ladies were in a pickle and there was no knight in shining armour in sight. They reversed their carriage and sat around for a bit, some of them too drunk to figure out an appropriate solution. As they were sitting around in the carriage they realised that none of the other drivers were prepared to insert their parking ticket in the machine. They were afraid that the minute they did so we would ride through, stealing their ticket. So they sat around until Cazz exclaimed, “Ah! I’ll just run up to the ticket booth and insert the ticket. I’ll run back quickly and then we’ll drive off.”

It was a simple and effective plan, foolproof really; except the ladies didn’t take into account one thing. You see there are two parking booms each with its own ticket machine. And Cazz, well she just so happened to put her ticket in the wrong one. Can you say fuck? The princess certainly did. This meant that Zin had to reposition her carriage in such a way as to make it possible to exit from the other exit and that Cazz has to return to the car all before the boom closed. Tom Cruise stealing secret documents in Mission Impossible was easy. This was a task that couldn’t be pulled off. Just before reaching the boom, it went down, blocking their exit. Double fuck. There our ladies were back where they started ten minutes ago, this time without a ticket. Silence. Confusion. Much blinking of eyes. Were our ladies doomed to spend the rest of eternity in a dark gloomy parking garage?

Finally Cazz offered up another solution. She’d press the help button on the ticket machine and explain the situation. Off she ran. The others were left sitting in the carriage, laughing at their predicament. They watched Cazz as she spoke to the machine and noticed how everyone watching the situation unfold was laughing at them. They must have seemed like the biggest morons. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity the boom went up. Cazz ran as fast as the wind. Zin put her car in gear. And if you didn’t think this was enough, more collective dipshittery followed. Someone has implanted the idea to the others that there was a good chance the boom might go down on the car as they drove through. And so as our ladies drove beneath the boom a collective scream of terror could be heard from the car.

Imagine the scene my friends. There you have four women sitting in car looking up at a boom and they’re just screaming. And it’s this really, really girly screams at the top of their lungs. It really, really was the most ridiculous thing in the world.

My sister had a ‘boyfriend’ at the beginning of the year. The word boyfriend is in quotation marks because he was only around for a month. He dumped her because he ‘needed to concentrate on his studies’. There’s a lame ass excuse if I ever heard one. But my sister loved the guy.

I’m glad they broke up though. Besides the drinking, drugs and sleeping around (he really was a wonderful Muslim guy) he had absolutely no backbone. Minutes before he would pick up sister up he would messenger on MXit her to tell her to wait outside. She of course would obediently do his bidding. This of course didn’t impress my father much.

My father can be one of the most charming people you will ever meet. Ask him to assist you with Maths or your car and he will oblige. He can spend endless hours chatting to you and teasing you but you need to know your boundaries. My dad is one person you do not want to piss off.

Anyway one day her ‘boyfriend’ and his friends picked her up and my sister heads for the door. She had just stepped outside when my dad screamed, “Tell him to come inside”. No, scream is not the appropriate word. Scream does not convey how absolutely loud my dad yelled those words. My dad bellowed and I can only imagine how his face must have contorted with anger when these words came out. His eyes which are already huge must have bulged.

Anyway my dad roared so loudly that the guys who were sitting outside in their car heard him. And in their fear they simply drove away and left my sister stranded on the pavement.

Now I bet there are a few of you who are reading this (if there’s anyone out there reading this) laughing. Me? I still don’t see the humour in it. I don’t understand how someone can be this much of a coward. Yes, my dad is scary but honestly what is he going to do? Stare you down? Look into your soul? Make you recite the Quran? No, he’ll simply just glower at you and nod. Its five minutes of awkwardness that you would have to endure. Five minutes of your precious little time, you grovelling little wimp.